Origins
by XNobodyXSomebodyX
Summary: With the Dalish, and in the Alienage, through Lothering, and trapped in the Circle Tower... He ran, again, and again, until he was just too tired to run anymore. Where he came from is of no real importance, it is who he is that matters.


_**I'm so impossibly happy to have finally written something for this fandom. When I was trying to decide on which origin to start from I was getting frustrated because I felt restricted, I wanted a mage, but I didn't really feel like writing all the mage origin out, and I had felt like a Dalish background would be fun and a City background would be more interesting and... well, I decided to make my own. Plus, it had always really bothered me that you were never given an apostate mage origin, or even Dalish mage (although I could understand more why on that one).**_

_**Either way, I sort of created a more in depth and mixed origin here, and if anyone catches the Awakening reference at the end, I'll be surprised. But I'll throw an explanation on down there anyways.**_

* * *

**Origins**

It was fear and selfishness, and he took no pride in it, in the coward he was, but he didn't necessarily see the need in even acknowledging it by this point. He was getting what he wanted from this behavior, and that was all that would matter in the end. When he had pulled on his tunic that night, fingering the soft design over the collar, Dalish in origin, he had the decision already made.

Soft blue eyes had drifted up to meet themselves in the mirror, and he had realized the kind of person he really was that night. And he realized that the kind of person he was wasn't the person who could be the first to a Dalish Keeper.

He had spent a little over a couple years traveling with a small clan when he was younger, but when they had told him they wanted to officially make him part of their clan, he had gotten spooked. He left. Looking back on it now, almost a year later, he did wonder what it would have been like, to take them up on the offer, to have become part of their clan, to become the first.

Merrill would have been pissed, she would have killed for that position, probably kill him. He knew that Tamlen and Faneral would have been all for it though, they had always been a close bunch.

It didn't matter now though; he had left the night after they spoke to him of their hopes. He ran from them like he did everything else, to the nearest city, Denerim, and blended into the elves in the alienage. He had only been… 18 years old maybe? Not a child, but not quite a full adult, he would say, it was a miracle he survived up to this point in his life. The difference between living with the shem and the Dalish was the difference between night and day, but he had met good people there as well… Shianni and Soris were some of the friendliest elves he had met there, they had taken him in, helped him find some light work at a stall in the market place, and even helped him hide from Templars when they realized he was a mage.

To them it didn't really matter that he had magic, he was an elf, he was a poor elf, a poor and abandoned elf that needed help. And they were good people to him. But one day some pompous Bann came charging in to the Alienage, there was plenty of trouble started then.

And he ran. Again.

Shianni had knocked him out cold, and he knew the Bann would be coming back to get some kind of revenge, and with Soris and his cousin getting married at the same time, he knew there would be a scene, he had met Soris's cousin briefly before and knew there would be bloodshed. He wasn't going to be a part of it. So he ran from the Alienage and left Denerim. He felt even worse about that one; he just left Shianni and Soris in all that trouble. They were two perfectly good people who needed his help, who had helped him when he had needed it, and he left them to that arrogant Bann's mercy.

That time he just kept going, he passed caravans, hid from traveling mercenaries and Templars, even passed another Dalish camp, although this one he was not very familiar with. Eventually he ended up in Lothering, making himself comfy there for a while as more of a rest than anything else. He was never one for manual labor, and the only work for an elf out there was just as a field hand, it was his wanderings around the village that lead to him eventually bumping into another small family that would take him in a while.

Hawke.

They were a family of two apostates, a soldier preparing himself for a march down to Ostagar, and their mother who had been nobility in Kirkwall. He had almost asked why she would leave a life of nobility in Kirkwall for living on the run in Ferelden, but thought it wasn't his place to ask, just as it wasn't his place to ask where their father had gotten off to. When they realized he was also an apostate, due to a small accident that occurred when he had been attacked by a wolf down the road from their home, they had taken him in almost like he was family too. At first he hadn't known how to react to it, he had never been treated with much kindness from shems before, but he ran with it.

While Shianni and Soris had taken him in because he was an elf, and didn't care about his magic, it was the opposite for the Hawke family, who had taken him in because of his magic and hadn't cared about his race. Magic was more important than race it would seem, at least for them.

It was nice, living with them for some time, but when Carver eventually left for Ostagar, he also realized he would not be able to stay there forever. He was not really part of their family, and even though they were very kind to take him in and treated him as a guest, he would only have been a burden to them in the end. So he left Lothering.

He had mixed feelings of that departure, for the first time in a long time he was given the chance to say goodbye. Did that still count as running away? He wasn't sure, he knew that he wanted to stay there, but he knew that he would have just been more trouble for them. They were already a family, what room was there for another apostate among them? Or an elf that was neither slave nor servant? He left this time because he knew he did not belong, not because he was trying to run.

Living with them had given him rest that was much needed though, a sense of safety that he had gone without for much too long. An elven apostate did not find many comforts such as that one in their life, and it wasn't until he reached Redcliffe that he realized how weak that had made him. He appreciated the time with the Hawke family, but he hated that he allowed himself to get careless in that time. There were Templars in Redcliffe, he had no idea why, maybe they had just been passing through, maybe they were there for someone, he could care less for their purpose, all he knew was that there were a small group of Templars just hanging around in Redcliffe.

And he looked suspicious.

A lone elf traveling around Ferelden with no destination and all that he owns on his back? Very suspicious to a Templar. It practically screamed apostate. They must have followed him half way around Redcliffe before he finally lost them by the shore, having decided that it would be safer to camp out in the forest by the town that night instead of getting a room at the inn. Who knows how far a Templar would go when they were suspicious. But again, he had gotten careless in his time with the Hawke family, he should have known better than to use magic to light a fire…

It hadn't been much of a fight; a Templar had chased him down in the woods, tied him up, and brought him back to his other Templar buddies. And he then found himself being lead on the nice (actually rather short trip, thankfully only about a week) walk to the Circle Tower, headquarters for the Circle of Magi within Ferelden. He didn't struggle, he didn't speak a single word to any of them, not that it really seemed to matter, none of them seemed like they had any questions for him either. He had no idea if they were a more lenient group of Templars and he was lucky, or if the horror stories he had heard of them had plenty of embellishment.

Two of the Templars in particular didn't seem very bad. One went by the name Carroll, but he seemed quite… out of sorts, you could say. From what the others said, it was heavily implied that the poor man had developed himself a lyrium addiction. He still held no sympathy for the poor man, it was his own damned fault for messing around with so much of the stuff, but he did have pity for the trouble the man must face each day. So lost, so confused, it must be frustrating, especially when no one around you holds any respect for you anymore. The other men just seemed to brush him off most of the time.

The other one, Cullen, seemed much more naïve than the rest. He was quite kind, despite being a Templar, he was the one who watched over him the most during their trip. He fed him, gave him chances to bathe by the lake when they were given the opportunity, and best of all, when the others got bored and thought it would be a good idea to rough up the mage, he defended him. He was almost too good to be a Templar, but more surprising than that was that he seemed to genuinely think he was doing the Maker's work. He… It was like he was being a Templar to actually keep both mages and normal people safe, and not just kill mages like the others seemed to want to do.

He highly doubted he would ever forget this man, it was the first time in his life where he had met a Templar he would have liked to be given a change to befriend.

Eventually they reached the Circle Tower though, and after a great deal of debate between the Templars and the First Enchanter of the Circle, they seemed to decide that they would accept him as an apprentice and put him through something called a "Harrowing" as soon as possible, to be sure that he is neither possessed by a demon or a blood mage. He had no idea what a "Harrowing" was supposed to be, or how it would test him of being a blood mage or possessed, but he supposed he should feel lucky that they weren't going to just outright kill him. He was yet again surprised to see that the Templar Cullen had done much by fighting for his side in it all, arguing that he had been completely complacent the entire journey there, even when a blood mage or demon would have been given plenty of opportunities to fight for their freedom.

If there was ever a Templar he had wished to hug…

They had thrown him in the apprentice quarters with little explanation, simply telling him that he would be staying there until the time of his Harrowing. They didn't tell him when, or what it was, or how it would go down, they just dropped him off and left. Thankfully, there were other apprentices who were slightly more helpful than that. The first of which was another elf, Eadric, who he obviously had gravitated towards due to their shared race, but it had turned out well either way.

Eadric was quite knowledgeable, a bit of a know-it-all, sure, but in the time that he knew the other elf it was only beneficial, so he had no complaints on him. He had been gracious enough to tell him what a Harrowing was exactly, or at least give him a vague idea of what it was since apprentices weren't allowed to be told before the time of their own. Calling it a test of their abilities gave him more of a clue to what was in store for him though, coupling that with how the Templars and First Enchanter thought it would be a good way to test whether or not he was possessed or a blood mage, he could figure out that this would be something to do with demons. And where there would be tests involving demons, he was sure there would be something involving the Beyond as well, likely he would be placed in an area where the Veil was thin and they would see if a demon would take him.

That just sounded sick.

He learned much from talking with Eadric, like that they called the Beyond the Fade here, and that no lyrium or weapons were allowed in the hands of the apprentices, you had to at least be a mage who has passed their Harrowing before you would be allowed to have a staff. He didn't have much of a problem with that though, seeing as how he performed the majority of his magic without a staff anyways (those things were usually a dead giveaway to Templars, you see…). He also learned that as an apprentice he had access to the library of the tower…

That was something he certainly couldn't pass up here.

Spending a couple days alone in the library, he had read more there on magic in just a couple days than he had in his entire life. He probably doubled, even tripled his knowledge of his own magic there, despite the teachings he had received from the Dalish Keeper, Marethari. Still though, he was left to his own devices in the tower and he had still not been told to attend this Harrowing as of yet. That was around the time he had met another mage, Anders.

Said mage was really an apprentice, but he certainly didn't act like it. At first he hadn't trusted the idea of approaching the man, but it was only when he remembered his time with the Hawke family back in Lothering that he figured it was about time he took chances again. And once again, he ran in to the same apathy from Anders and he did with the Hawke family.

Magic really was more important than race, it would seem.

Anders was a likable guy. Sarcastic, snarky, always looking to make a joke and keep things light-hearted, he found he enjoyed talking to this one human more than he had expected. He was a trouble maker, to be sure, constantly trying to escape the Circle Tower; his last attempt had landed him a year of solitude that he had just managed to leave a little more than a month ago. The thought of a year of solitary confinement sent a chill down his spine, he had no idea how the other man survived it, but he just brushed it off like it was nothing.

It wasn't nothing though, there was darkness in his eyes, and he could recognize bitterness when he saw it.

Either way, the two became a sort of fast friends in the situation, and when Anders started plotting his next plan of escape from the Tower, there was little he could do to not help the other man, even plan his own escape alongside him. They had everything planned, they knew what they had to do, when they had to do it, what kind of distraction they would need, and they were going to do it that night.

He had forgotten all about the Harrowing.

That night the Templars came to the apprentice quarters and dragged him from his bed, up through the Tower and into what they called the Harrowing Chamber. After one of the more significant Templars, he'd be damned to remember his name now, rattled off a few lines of something Andraste had said a long time ago, they revealed the lyrium and he knew what was going to happen. They threw him into the Beyond, supposedly at the mercy of demons, to test his will to resist their temptations. If they had known anything about him though, if they had bothered to question him at all about his past, they would have known of his time with the Dalish Keeper Marethari, and that he hadn't been sought after as their first for nothing.

The moment he met that little "Mouse" in the Fade, and saw it change forms, he called it out for the demon it was and prepared himself for a fight. Surprisingly enough, it seemed to have no interest in possessing him, he knew not why, but it seemed more entertained with him than anything else. It left with some ominous words about watching him, but he had no idea what to make of it.

When he woke up in the apprentice chambers later to find out that Anders was gone, he wouldn't lie about the betrayal he had felt then. True, it was not like he would have told Anders to stay if he had been given the chance to, he would have told him to continue with the plan and get out himself, but he would have liked to have thought that the man would at least have considered staying behind for him. That was likely why when Jowan, some other human mage had come up asking for his help with an escape, likely because he had heard rumors of how he and Anders had planned together before, he had refused him without much consideration.

Without realizing it, that was the first time he had responded to a human's request of him without it being tainted by their racial differences.

Jowan had been persistent though, bothering him again and again to help him, following him while he was trying to study with Eadric in the library, everywhere he could, except in the mage's quarters where apprentices weren't allowed. It the only good thing that had come out of that Harrowing, in his opinion, moving up to considerably less cramped quarters and not being suspected by every other Templar as either being an abomination or a blood mage. It was just unfortunate that he could not spend all his time hiding there from Jowan.

Eventually, finally, he broke down and decided to hear the guy out. His stubbornness was something he simply did not have enough patience to outlast anymore. But when the guy brought him to that Chantry initiate, Lily was her name, and told him he was being suspected of blood magic, he nearly walked out the door right there. They told him they planned to break in to the phylactery chamber and break his phylactery, and then run off together. It all in all sounded absolutely insane.

Granted, even he had to admit that running off with the Templars still in possession of his phylactery left him with little chance of real escape, Anders had been more than sufficient proof of that, but the idea of breaking into a vault like that, it being specifically designed to keep mages from breaking in, just seemed crazy. He held no doubt that they would be caught before they crossed the threshold. And yet they refused to take no for an answer, they knew he hated being locked up in the tower as much as they did, they were trying to convince him that he could escape with them as well, and that he was just too clever to be caught by the Templars, even if they did have his phylactery in Denerim already.

He thought Jowan sounded like one of the demons of the Beyond.

Just to get a break from them, he told them he had to think on it. Finally getting out of the room, he hadn't taken more than a step before Eadric had caught up to him in the hall, telling him that Irving had wanted to meet with him. Instantly he had been panicked of the idea that he was already on to Jowan and Lily's plan for escape, but he brushed it off. Even if he was, he had nothing to do with that, he wasn't a part of it, he couldn't be in trouble for it.

Arriving in the First Enchanter's office to meet a Grey Warden, he was more than a bit surprised to say the least. And when he told him that this Warden, Duncan, was planning to recruit more mages for the war effort in Ostagar, he nearly wet himself in anticipation. He wasted no time in telling them that he would be more than happy to defend Ferelden from the Blight, that he would be honored to join the Wardens. Now that he thinks back on it, he probably should have been more suspicious of it all, but by that point he had been locked up in that tower for nearly a month, and when Ostagar was mentioned, the first thing he had remembered was that Carver Hawke had been heading to Ostagar.

The thought of both escaping the tower and seeing Carver again was more than tempting for him, he would have done anything to get that chance. They had just seemed amused by his eagerness though, like they didn't take him seriously or something, and then Irving asked him to escort Duncan to the guest chambers. Like Irving would specifically summon him for such a simple task, he knew what that old guy was up to…

He would have to pay him back sometime.

By the time he had reached Duncan's quarters for the night, he and the other man had traded enough words to have properly come to an understanding of where each stood. Duncan knew he wanted to leave the tower, even if that meant risking his life in a war that he didn't really care much about, and he knew that Duncan would be happy to recruit him as a prospective Grey Warden if he could prove that he was skilled enough for the job.

It was then that he realized what he needed to do, and when he went to report back to Irving, and the older man had admitted to wanting to show him off a bit to the Grey Warden, he spilled everything he knew about Jowan and Lily. Irving, unsurprisingly, knew all about it and was hoping that he would come to him. Much like him, Irving wanted to use this as a chance to get back at the Chantry a bit, he wanted to catch Lily aiding Jowan so that they would also have to receive some backlash. He cared little to the vicious nature of that plan, all he cared for was that by carrying out Irving's orders, proving his "loyalties" he would also be showing Duncan his strengths.

He was powerful enough to break into the phylactery chamber, he was smart enough to outwit to mages that wished to escape the tower, and he was loyal enough to not betray the Circle.

Of course, he cared for none of it, but that didn't really matter anymore, now did it?

When he reached the phylactery chamber though, after having Jowan tell him several times by that point how he knew they wanted to conduct the Rite of Tranquility on him, and that no he was not an apostate, and that yes he was truly in love with Lily, he watched the other mage break his phylactery… and then lead them out into the Templar ambush just outside the doors.

The moment that Jowan summoned his blood magic to knock all of them to the side was probably the moment that he realized that people just couldn't be trusted any longer. No matter who they were, no matter what situation it was, they were self-preserving creatures and would sacrifice whatever it took to keep themselves safe.

Duncan had recruited him into the Grey Wardens, the Right of Conscription being flaunted into the Knight-Commander's face, but he had been in no mood to celebrate it at that moment. As the Templars lead Lily away, her destination Aeonar, the mages' prison, he couldn't help but watch her walk. He wasn't sure how he felt about any of this anymore, how he had gotten here, why he was here, and why he was doing any of this. Was this survival? Or was this running too?

Everything had sort of passed in a blur from then, he had gathered his things to bring with him to Ostagar, in which he had put on his old clothes from when he had been an apostate and packed all his notes and took a couple books from the library also. He had given his goodbyes to Eadric, the other elven mage being the only other friend he really had left in that tower now, and he had even given that Templar Cullen a few thankful words as well, mostly for protecting him from a beheading when he first arrived at the tower and during his Harrowing.

The rest of it, the trip to Ostagar, was mostly quiet. Just him and Duncan, walking, occasionally fighting off a couple wilds animals or hunting down something to eat, but all in all it was just quiet. Eventually, he had to let the weight off his chest, he had sat curled up by the fire, chin resting on his knees as he watched the flames, he could feel Duncan's eyes on him.

"Do you think I did the right thing? Back at the tower I mean."

For a moment, Duncan didn't reply, simple shifting in his spot on the ground as he seemed to think about his answer, but then he just shrugged thoughtfully, "It is not really my place to say. You did what you thought had to be done. You won your freedom."

"At the cost of Lily and Jowan's happiness though."

"Lily and Jowan's happiness is only the concern of Lily and Jowan. Just as your happiness is only your concern, and not say mine or Irving."

Briefly his eyes shifted to look up at Duncan through the flames, a frown working deeper in his face, "But just because it is only their concern doesn't mean that I am not concerned for their happiness as well. Irving was concerned for mine, and I should have been more concerned for them."

"Irving was concerned for your happiness, it was why he had introduced us in the first place, however he was more concerned for the wellbeing of the Circle, and for revenge on the Chantry and Templars when he got you involved in all of that. Saying there is a right or a wrong here simplifies everything too much," He paused for a moment, moving to stand and start heading for his bed roll only a couple feet away, "What you will learn from the Grey Wardens is not right or wrong, but what is and is not necessary. For you, leaving the tower was necessary, and therefore following Irving's orders were also necessary, and betraying Jowan and Lily…"

"Necessary," He finished in turn, closing his eyes as he tried to accept that. It went down bitterly, be he could see the reason in those words. It was still selfish, for him to put his own needs before Jowan and Lily's happiness, but to put it rationally; it was something he had to do. He hadn't wanted to help them in the first place, and during that time he had been so desperate to leave the Circle that he would have done almost anything for his freedom. On top of all that… Jowan had betrayed him as well, he had been a blood mage.

Honestly, there was no reason for him to feel guilt. If there was anyone who should feel guilt, it was Jowan, for misleading him. If he had known Jowan was really a blood mage then he would have never allowed him to break his phylactery, he would have never gone along with Irving's plan.

Soft blue eyes opening once more, he moved his gaze up to the stars above, sighing heavily to himself. This was not something he should dwell on anymore, it was not the first time that something had gone wrong, and it would not be the last. He had run from the Dalish, and from the Alienage in Denerim, and he had left the Hawke family and been left by Anders. And now that he had been betrayed in the Circle Tower, he was heading towards Ostagar to become a Grey Warden, and there was really only one thing he should be considering right now.

Would he run from this too?

"By the way, Irving had never told me your full name back when he introduced us," Duncan broke into his thoughts suddenly, making him jump slightly from where he had been.

Eyes jumping over to the human's form, the fire casting a soft glow over him, he couldn't help but feel warmth at that moment, lips parting hesitantly as he considered the answer. Would he run later? Should he give him his real name? Would it matter if he had his name or not, if he ran? And when that wave of exhaustion hit him the second after, he had his answer more clearly than ever before in his life.

"The Dalish had given me the name Mahariel, but I went by Tabris in the Denerim Alienage, and Darrian in Lothering. When they brought me to the Circle, I came up with the name Alim Surana…"

At this point, Duncan had rolled over to watch him, waiting to see what he would say next, waiting just like he was waiting himself to see if he would. This was more than a name now, this was his commitment. Was he going to be a Grey Warden, or was he going to run? He really wanted to know.

But he was tired.

He was tired of running.

He was tired of being betrayed.

He was tired of the struggle.

He was just tired.

"Elyon Andras… You can just call me Andras if you like."

It was a relief to not run.

* * *

_**Mahariel is the surname for a Dalish Elf Origin, Tabris the surname for a City Elf Origin, Darrian the default first name for the City Elf Origin, Alim Surana the default first name and the surname for the Mage Elf Origin (the Circle is more official, so I thought they would want a first and last name), and Elyon Andras is the default name for the male elf Orlesian Warden Commander that you start a new game with in Awakening.**_

_**I hope you all enjoyed the story anyways, and if you have any questions or just want to say 'good job' (that's always appreciated) then please drop me either a message or review.**_


End file.
